rossfrontz.

a phrase.

“Alone in a crowded room.” I have heard it since i was little. It has been on every dramatic movie and in every other song since forever.   Never before have i really understood it though.  until tonight.   you would think that sitting there with all of your friends a person would be having a good time.   sitting there watching everyone laugh, talk, play games would normally be a good time.  that is something i would normally love, just being with friends.  but tonight i have never wanted to be by alone, in my room, by myself more.  this has nothing to do with the people that were there or who the party was for or anything.  it is all me. something needs to be done about this way i am feeling.  i want to move so badly to get away from everything. ever since i was little everything has worked out. a whole lifetime of loving and praising god and he decides that now would be the time to pull the whole “trust me” thing? i do not understand it, i know i should just trust him and lean on him but that is so much easier said than done.  i know that i can’t see the “bigger picture” and that “his plans will be greater than anything i could ever imagine”, i know i know, so no need to tell me this.  this is just me rambling.  why would he let me be like this?  why would he let me feel like this?  why would god let this be wrong with me?  and i am not talking about a physical deformity or anything like that.  this is my brain.  Something inside my brain is not functioning the way that it should and is therefore causing me and just about every relationship i care about to deteriorate.  yes, i know that “there are people in china who would kill to be in my spot” and yes, i know i should be grateful that “at least i have food on my table” yes, i know all of this.

i don’t cry.  its just not something i do.  but when days like this ends with a night like this one, its all i can do.  it sucks cause from the outside everything is good.  i lie to myself and to my friends saying “I’m good, everything is okay”.  and to be honest i am, it’s probably just being me and my over dramatic self.  but still, it sucks.

a night.

i’ve told some secrets recently and i am not excited about them getting around.

hopefully they will not, but if they do then i will live. its not the first, it won’t be the last.

a thought.

i’m so tired of trying to please everyone.

i just want to be me.

a rambling.

before you read you should know that i have made a promise to myself to just write what comes to my mind.  i am not going to go back and read what i have written.

i’ve have been doing a lot of thinking lately, which is a scary thought.  I am not happy at the moment (but apparently i am never happy for too long).  Things just are not where they are supposed to be.  It seems that nothing will work out the way i would like it too.  This past saturday I saw some old friends, I needed that, bad.  I miss the days of not worrying.  Life was so much easier a few years ago.

School is stressing me out.  I can not seem to figure out what to do.  I want to go to JU more than you can possibly imagine, but i am unsure about what to do next.  who do i call?  i feel like every time i call i am just bothering them.  why cant someone just call me?  no, that is too easy.

look at me, sitting in my nice house, on my nice bed, on my nice computer, with a stomach full of food, and yet i still complain.  i have absolutely nothing to complain about.  these little “problems” that i am currently facing are nothing.  millions of people would love to have these “problems”.

i just need to get my head on straight.

check list: this week i will love.  this week i will figure out the school dilemma.  this week i will see someone i have not seen in awhile.  this week i will make a friend.  this week i will love.  this week i will change something.  this week i will clean something.  this week i will send a text message to someone that i miss, telling them that i miss them.  this week i will be a good friend.  this week i will stand up for myself.  this week i will love.  this week will be a good week,  no matter what happens.

no one reads blogs when they are long.  and no one will read this one because there are more than likely a ridiculous amount of grammatical errors.  and hopefully this all makes sense.   if not then oh well, i did give you a warning before you began to read this.

<3

a knight.

i miss people.  not just people in general, but certain people.  people that i will not name.  i am sure they know who they are.  i dont know why i miss them, i shouldnt.  i wish i didnt, but i do.  these people include friends, family, people that i have only talked to a few times, people that i barely knew, even people that live far away..  anyways, if you are reading this and you think that i may be talking about you then chances are that i am.

i wish so badly that i could just come out and say everything that is in my head right now.  but i have made promises to other people and to myself.  i promise to not talk about the things that i know, as long as you keep that same promise.

a coward.

I do not miss you. sorry.

I copied you by doing this.

I love you more than i could have ever thought possible.

I am honestly surprised at you, you seemed so genuine.

I hope you know you let me down over and over yet you will always mean alot to me.

I think you are awesome.

I hate working with you.

I cant wait for you to grow up.

I cant wait for myself to grow up either.

I wish you luck.

I like that you are a part of the family.

I hate that you think you’re always right.

I want you to be happy, no matter what.

I can not believe that i let you treat me like that and put up with it.

I wish you liked horror movies.

i think we could be good friend if you would just stop.

I am glad you left.

I am glad that ya’ll broke up.

I think you did her a favor.  you never deserved her.

I am excited about you being a part of the family.

I love your mom.

i hope you realize it will never happen.

I love your family.

I want you to leave me alone.

I love how you are so jealous of me.

I can not wait for you to move away.

I forget we even dated. i like that.

I think you will never grow until you get away from him.

I like you now way more than i did at first.

I am bitter.

I wish I were invited more.

I hate the things you do for fun.

I miss you very much.

i wish you would leave her alone.

I can not believe the things you have done.

I will never be good friends with you again.

I have never gotten over the way you treated me.

I do not want you to grow up.

I do not miss you.

I think you are all talk.

I wish we would have been friends.

I wish you would just come out and tell someone.

I pray to God you keep that secret.

I wish you would talk to me.

I feel like you are avoiding me and I do not know why.

I wish you would just stop.

I hope you know that you are/have never been/will never be as smart as you think you are.

i hope you know that you arent always the victim, youre life is not bad, grow up.

i wish you’d realize you are no where near as talented as you think you are.

i almost hate you.

I regret our friendship. 

i cant wait to say i told you so.  to everyone.

i am so excited for you.

i hope you choose me.

i know you like girls.

i am so happy God sent you into my life.

i love you.

 

a hope.

 

why do i love this?  is it because it seems so chaotic?  no, i dont think that is it.  

i love this because it means something to me.  not the actual work of art, but the process that it went through to make it.  in 1937 an artist by the name of Pable Picasso had an idea and scribbled a few lines down.  After a year of hard work, planning, and many mistakes, this came to be.  and though it may look chaotic, Picasso placed each and every little detail in it to make a point.  What exactly is that point?  well i guess that is up to him. 

I do not know why i love this so much.  maybe because i am at the scribble stage in my life?  maybe i just need to go through all the planning, all the mistakes, all the hard work that God has for me?  maybe one day i will come out to be amazing, like this drawing?  maybe one day all of this that i am going through now will just add to the completed work of art that i will be?  

i hope so.

a shoe.

today i am going to get over myself.  whatever this funk i am in.  i am just going to do whatever i have to do stop this.  its ridiculous.  its hurting me and more importantly it is hurting Lindsay.  i have class today so maybe that will take my mind of some things.  we’ll see.

a confession.

i don’t regret it.  not at all.

a goal.

as the year 2008 closes i have a lot on my mind.  a new years resolution for instance.  am i going to do one?  what will it be?  i think that i may do the usual “start working out” one, but i am not too sure about how that one will work out.  last year i made a new years resolution to get a mac.  i achieved that one less than 28 days later.  i am not too sure if the working out one would be as successful as the mac one.  this one would actually take some effort and work.  but i think i am going to choose that one. 

another thing that is currently on my mind is lindsay parrish.  she is constantly on my mind.  and i hope that 2009 is as good of a year for the two of us as 2008 was, hopefully better.  

i am officially not a teenager any longer.  how exciting.. 

more than anything i want to live 2009 as if it were my last year.  i guess one of my resolutions could be to concentrate on my relationship with God.  i have let is slip so much and i need to get that back on track.