rossfrontz.

i dont know if you know this, but when you wear glasses people think you are smart.  yeah, its true.  so now i wear fake glasses every so often just so i can fool people into thinking i am intelligent.  boy, are they wrong.

many things have been happening.  opera workshop is amazing. we are doing a few shows and i am a principle in one of them! let me know if you want the info! you should want the info, if you are reading my blog you should see my show! anyways school is busy as always but i love it.

other things are happening in my life.  fortunately for you i will spare you the details but i think they are good things.

side note: American Idol is nothing to me.  seeing all those talented singers on the TV loses its appeal when i perform with far more talented singers every day at school.  and i am lucky enough to call them my friends.

today is christmas eve.  it really has not quite set in yet.  i’m hoping tomorrow i will wake up and magically have that christmas feeling.  i really can not believe how much has changed since last christmas eve.  i will post something later this week discussing all those changes and my feelings towards them.  this is a ridiculously pointless post that i am sure very few will read but i hope you have a great christmas.  no matter who you are, you deserve to have a great day.  and i miss and love you.

disclaimer.  doesnt make sense. now you know.

when there are so many things going through your head, you have to get them out somehow.  when everyone you used to talk to doesnt want anything to do with you, you have to talk to someone.  i am not going through a phase.  if you talked to me you would know that i am no different than i used to be.  i hate so much things how they are now.  i want so bad to go away yet i want a reason to stay.  i want more than anything for someone to want me to stay, but that is not the case.  why would i stay somewhere i am not wanted?  why would i continue to try being friends with someone who so clearly does not want to be friends?  it sucks so bad.  i have really ever felt so alone.  i guess its a good thing though cause i feel like i am more independent then i ever have been.

still, it sucks when no one wants you.

it also sucks to see people throw themselves pity party after pity party which i am extremely guilty of.  oh well.

I John 4 : 1

i decided today, during a movie, that i am okay. that i will be okay. no matter what happens, i am going to be okay. ju or not, i am okay. girlfriend or not, i am okay.  money or not, i am okay.  God has a plan for everything and though things may suck right now, it is all part of the bigger plan which i know will work out best for me in the end.

at least that is what i’m counting on..

turns out that i have to reactivate my facebook account.  yes, i did miss it but that is not the reason i am reactivating it.  it makes it easy to talk to certain people about school that i really need to talk about.  school is approaching quickly and i desperately need to figure out what i am doing.  i have to go to ju.  going there means one step closer to escaping everything, at least thats how i feel.  i dont want to escape anything.  i just think it would be easier if i did.

i promise that i will not be using my facebook account for the next month.

there are so many more important things that i need to focus on in my life.  my relationship with God being one.  i have finally realized after a long conversation and a lot of thinking that no relationship will ever work out if i don’t focus on my relationship with God first.  I hope that a lot will change in the next month.  that i will find myself happy again.  maybe i will finally figure things out.  maybe i will finally grow up.  maybe i will finally stop being so selfish.

i know that a small thing like deleting my facebook will not solve all of my problems, but it will keep me from being distracted so i can finally solve them.  either way for the next month i expect big things.

i love you.

i thought i was stronger.  i thought i was ready.  i thought i was going to be fine.  i thought i wouldnt mind.  i thought i was going to be okay.  i thought i wasn’t going to do this.

i thought wrong.

i am ready for this to be over and us be us.

maybe i should not question god or the plans he has for me.  but really, i just want to know what the heck he is doing.  i feel like if i just trusted him it would all work out, but i don’t really know.  its just hard for me to realize that while i am going through crap down here he is up there and could change it all at any time.  whatever is wrong with me, god could fix it.  then why doesn’t he?!  i have been nothing but in love with him since i was little and have never wanted to do anything but serve him and be the person he wants me to be, yet this is still going on.  i am trying to stay strong and know that he has a plan for me.  but apparently it is just not the plan that i thought it would be for so long.  for so long i was almost positive i knew what was going to happen.  everything changes though, i should have expected that.

i was never the one to fall in love, i did, and what happened?  i have no one to blame.  i just really hope that god and i will look back on all this one day and he will show me what he was doing by putting me through all of this.